too "Political"?

I’ve waited two weeks to collect my thoughts, but what can I even say that hasn’t been said already? What can I even say that will undo the murder committed by a single man and a group of cowardly politicians too selfish to deny blood-money from the NRA?

Sorry—was that too “political?”

Fine.

What can I say to express my sorrow? My fear?

These children were my little cousins' ages. The protesters are as young as the girl I drive home from taekwondo every night, the girl who giggles about this guy she likes and dreams of going to the Olympics. They were as young as my own students, the ones who asked me to share my favorite poem or offered to help clean the board. They. Were. Children.

And those Snapchat videos on the news... People laughed that they used Snapchat during the shooting--people laughed--but no one said what I'd been thinking, that I never wanted to hear children scream like that, that I wanted to rip that sound and memory out from my skull. 

Then that small, quiet thought I didn't want to consider: one of the victims was a first-year teacher. People are talking about educators taking a bullet for their kids. Would I do that? I'd like to think I'll protect my kids. But would I be a coward? Is it cowardly to want to live? I sat there thinking about how these children are children, but then realized I'm only four years older. That I'm not sure what I would do or what would be the right thing, the wrong thing, that only a few years ago I was a child, too.

God...

Words are supposed to be powerful, but I guess at some point the words in our thoughts and prayers and begging and screaming and text-messages to parents that read If I don’t make it out, know that I love you and appreciate everything you’ve done for me—well, I guess they fall short. They must, if this is our eighteenth school shooting in 2018.

(Oh wait. Sorry. Nineteen. In the two weeks I waited to post this, an armed teacher fired a gun in Georgia.)

Let’s keep counting, though. Over 500 shootings since Sandy Hook. Over 200 deaths, too. God it’s a lot of numbers. And as a teacher it’s just more statistics stapled to our schools. I’m supposed to be angry about my children becoming numbers from a test, not numbers in a death toll. I’m supposed to argue with politicians about pedagogy, not how to keep my profession from becoming a war-zone.

People say they should arm teachers, but they don’t even give schools enough funds for textbooks, for AP programs, for science labs—for pencils.

Sorry—was that “too political?”

People talk about putting metal detectors and armed security guards, but then they cut funding for school social workers and counselors. Do I even want to mention the excessive use of force these armed security guards use against students of color? Or what about the funding of a $30 million youth prison rather than Baltimore youth education?

Sorry—was that “too political?”

Then they gloss over that word: "terrorist." The Parkland shooter was part of and drilled with the Republic of Florida, a neo-nazi group with goals of creating a white-ethno state in Florida; he had swastikas etched onto his weapons. But people want to talk about mental health--they want to talk about mental health and in the same breath manipulate, stigmatize, and deprioritize insurance for mental illness. Or how about this crazy little thought: mental illness and troubled teens are found in every country, why does America have this particular problem? They want to coddle white killers, white terrorists--taking school shooters in alive--but murder innocent black men whose worst offenses had been selling cigarettes. 

Sorry—was that “too political?”

Well tough. There are students—survivors—who are organizing and being told that their anger and words and strength are an act, a government conspiracy. They are showing courage they shouldn't need to show. Some jokes are running around on social media about how we raised this generation on YA dystopian novels. 

I laughed sure. I mean, I write dystopian YA of course I laughed.

But that's a sick thought when you really pause long enough.  

These are kids; I want their biggest drama to be prom, to be college apps. These are theater nerds; I want them belting out show-tunes not protest chants. 

Sorry—was that “too political?”
Sorry—was that “too political?”
Sorry—was that “too political?”

Maybe I want to be political.

Maybe I want someone to actually change something so kids could be kids. I'm proud of them, of course. I'm glowing in knowing that their eloquence and intelligence had been cultivated by a series of rigorous extracurriculars and their own, self-invested morals. These are amazing kids, amazing teenagers, amazing young adults. 

There’s so much that needs be addressed when it comes to education so we can continue to raise such strong students. So many complicated, nuanced discussions about allocating resources, identifying at-risk students, developing competitive curriculum, achievement versus progress, STEM vs. STEAM vs. vocational trades.

But we’re here again.

Guns.