First posts should either be under or overwhelming--somewhere between "hey everyone this is my blog whaddup" and "here's my life story."
Chances are this post will lean toward the latter. I have a tendency to overshare when I write, so consider yourselves warned. For your sake (and mine--I've got to get to bed soon!), I'll try to keep this post focused on three topics:
First, some housekeeping:
Who am I?
If you haven't scrolled over to my "About" page or even read my sidebar: I'm a twenty-three year old New Yorker fighting existential terror one blog post at a time. That itself tells you a few things if you wanna use your noggin and some deductive reading skills.
Twenty-three = millennial = how do adult?
New Yorker = stubborn and loud but grew up with the whole world right outside my door
Existential terror = see twenty-three*
Blog post = love writing
There's more to me of course. (I've done theater since I was eleven. I own over four-hundred books. I rock climb and practice martial arts. I work as a part-time ESL teacher at an international school. I am a storyteller and want to become a published author. I love Peter Pan and all things Jane Austen. I have traveled to ten countries. I'm Greek-Cypriot. I'm bla bla bla.) So I'd love to sit and list the one-hundred forty must know facts about Lena, but I'm sure those will come out in subsequent blog posts.
Why am I writing?
*fighting existential terror*
Okay but in all seriousness, my hope for this blog is that it reminds me of my own agency. With all the hardship you'll end up facing, it's easy to think that you're not in control of your own life. I know that I've felt that way lately, and so I wanted to challenge that sense of helplessness.
The past few months have been...trying...to say the least. I've been torn by personal ambitions/fears, family difficulties, and typical post-grad roller-coaster stress. Simply put, there were things thrown at me that I could have never planned for. Nothing was stable, and I felt lost
And it was all like an earthquake too.
Every calm was disrupted by an aftershock, by another piece of pain.
Most of my fear had been about want. “Why do I always want The Most?” Then a lot of the other terror had been obligation. "I need to be a good daughter/sister."
And when the want and obligation intermingled, I kept myself frozen. Panicking. Frantically staying up until three in the morning, researching about ten different job options, and then going on several medical websites to read up on my family's current situation.
Of course I tried to stay positive. I said things like "This too shall pass." and "Not all those who wander are lost."
They helped. Didn't really fix anything, though. Didn't get rid of the sleepless panic-cycles and sense of nerves. But they helped me stop crying long enough to distract myself with climbing, fantasy worlds, or the beach.
The thing is, I also told myself "I don’t know what my future holds, and that’s okay."
But then one day I realized that I could take it a step further: "I don’t know what my future holds, but I know what I want out of my future."
Yes, there is a lot of life that we can't control. But life can't control us either. Life happens, and we react--from family crises to personal growth.
Yes, ambition and desire are terrifying--because what if our goals don't happen? But what if you never find out the depth of your potential either?
So I sat down, and I thought:
I know I want to live a full life.
So maybe I wanted, and continue to want, a lot out of the world. And maybe I can’t get it right now for one reason or another (money, family obligations, time constraints). That’s okay. The world will be here in a week, a month, a year, two years; I’ll see to these dreams when I can. Work hard to achieve them. But I'll also realize that between myself and my ultimate goals there are a thousand set-backs, failures, and small victories that I must face first.
This time is my time, and I can’t let it fade away. I am going to live the life I want everyday. You should too.
*hey everyone this is my blog whaddup*
Life's hard, kinda terrifying all around. I'm writing to remind myself of my agency. Hopefully I can remind you of your own agency as well. Time is precious. Let's not waste it. Mushy gushy vulnerability.
Pedagogy and Reflection
We do not learn from experience. We learn from reflecting on experience